(Read to “Out of It All” by Helen Jane Long)
I was once someone. A person of value. A person present, a person in the moment. I knew who I was. I was certain. It was me. I knew me. I knew her.
Now, I live under the shadow of what I used to be. Some have told me that I must let that person go. That I need to move on. But how can I break up with myself? How do you let go off the one that you loved? What if it was you whom you loved all along? Should I let her go?
She is still here. I can feel her inside of me. There are traces of her in my house. Yes, I can definitely feel her in the mornings. I can feel and see her. I can see her making her favorite breakfast in the morning. That seamless smile when she tastes the fresh cup of coffee in the morning. Many don’t know this, but I do: it is not the taste, but the scent of a freshly brewed cup that makes her eyes shine. She used to say “My coffee is not a drink. It is dessert. Shh”
God, I miss her so much. I was jealous of her, you know? She knew who she was; and I didn’t. She was not afraid; this feeling was a waste of time for her. She was powerful, and she walked like a person that knew her future. But, did she?
One day, her steps faltered. She fell, out there… in the rain. It was a mess. She fell, and she could not get back up as she used to.
Today, she walks with a limp. There are times when she has to use crutches, because she is afraid of the rain.
She is afraid of the fall.
I am afraid of the fall.