The night my enemies loved me

(Read to “Can’t Help Falling in Love” as interpreted by Midnite String Quartet)

Last night I dreamed that my enemies were my lovers.  Well, not really.  I dreamed that every single one of my enemies was very attracted to me; they all wanted to flirt with me.  They wanted me sexually.  They wanted to be my friends.  I was a magnet, and they were in my magnetic field.

And I wanted them to want me.

So we flirted all night, yet we looked at each other from the ends of a room.  Not a large room, not so small either.  Just right.  We could had walked to each other, but it was better to miss each time.  From afar, we laughed and danced.  I believe we danced all night.  I don’t remember.  The wine was…

But this night was different.  I was beautiful, and they were attractive.  We were in that space because of the cold outside.  They approached and wanted to love me.  And I wanted them to want me.  Because this night was different; I was beautiful.

That night I was the one.  Better yet:  I was the one within the one.

But I didn’t let them love me.  I didn’t let them want me enough.  I didn’t want to dance with them, not closely anyway.  From far away things seem so much better.  I am braver this way.  I am beautiful this way.  I don’t have to escape from the cold of the wind.  Because it is warm inside.  Let’s stay inside.

All I wanted was my drink.  I wanted their eyes off my body.  Yet, it was not my body that they wanted.  What did they want?  I think I knew all along.  Towards the end of the evening, I realized that either I gave them something, or I would go back to ordinary.  No one prefers the ordinary; beauty is so much better.  The wine was…

My eyes.  They wanted the light in my eyes.  Once they knew about it, they needed it gone.  I wondered what I should do:  let them take it, let them ask for it, let them steal it, let them…drink it.

My enemy wanted a drink of my eyes.  Because then, from afar, I would be trivial again.  No one prefers the trivial; beauty is so much better.

…they wanted it all.

 

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GET UP NOW

(Read to Beethoven’s 5 Secrets by the Piano Guys)

“For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality.” 1 Corinthians 15:53

When are you going to breathe the life that is inside that living body?  Look at the sky, count the stars.  Find something that amazes you, that takes your breath away.  Can’t find it?  Go for a run.  BUT GET UP and be ALIVE.

BREATHE.  GET UP NOW AND RUN.

Don’t be a bitch to destruction.  You are not a toy to your enemies.  You are alive.

RISE AGAIN.  And if you fall again?  Get back up, rise, and RUN back to the living.

 

 

Open wounds that do not heal

(Read to Michele McLaughlin’s “The Druid’s Prayer”)

They hurt.  Wounds that are open cannot easily heal.  They remain open to the infections of this world.  Recovery, are we capable of it?  They hurt, they ooze out what is left of our souls.  There is no redemption for the stupid, for the lonely, for the deep inside.

Open wounds that do not heal.  You have gotten used to the idea and some of the pain.  Pain is pain, how can we ever get completely used to that?  If it hurts, well…it hurts.  Yet, you are wondering when will these wounds heal.  Close off.  You have tried all sorts of methods.  Stitches, gauze, bandages, they stay there.  Open for all to see.

Open for all to see.  The open wounds that do not heal.  It has been so long, you wear shame on your face.  You try to hide your face and your eyes from the world.  But you just can’t remember that the world is not a forgiving place.  The world enjoys seeing you injured.  The world enjoyed see you fall on your face in the battlefield.  It cheered to your mistakes, it laughed until it cried.

You fell.  You hurt.  You injured yourself so badly that the wounds will not heal.  You look at the sky and you pray.  First, you pray with your heart.  Second, you pray with your brain.  Third, you pray in your pain.

But the wounds.  They do not heal.

Rising above…but when?

(Read while playing Carly Comando’s “Everyday”)

Ever had a situation that seemed so completely unfair that it left you speechless?  I’ve had that feeling many times.  We always seem prepared for the unexpected, until the unexpected happens.  This is especially true if you are a person of your word.  If you give your word because there is honor in you, then you may assume that others have the same capacity.  The truth is that honor and giving our word has become something of the past.  It even seems like ‘giving your word’ has become an expression, figurative speech, not serious.

Then betrayal happens.

Suddenly, you remember all the words.  They come to you, at you, through you furiously fast.  You replay every moment.  You’ve never been paranoid, but today you are a master at it.  Because…

“What did I do to deserve this?”  “How could they lie so easily?”  “He was there, he saw everything!  Why did he lie?!?”

Perhaps it is not as bad.  You’ve been wronged, or at least you feel you have.  At first, you feel that you’ve made the right choice in leaving a bad situation.  Yet now, you wonder.  Why did YOU have to be the one to go?  Why did YOU have to be the BIGGER person?  Screw the bigger person.  Fuck the bigger person.  Can’t we just be trivial for a second here?  Can’t we just bitch and complain one more time!?  Can I just rant for a second here and empty my soul into your ears??  CAN YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING!  SCREECHING!  HOLLERING!

Pain, depression, sweat, sleeplessness, paranoia.  FALL ASLEEP, START OVER TOMORROW.  REPEAT.

It had to be you, because you are the daughter of light.  It had to be you, because you are the son of justice.

It had to be you.  Thrive, rise, come back, move on.

The words.  They mean something.

“The ones” and dreams

There’s usually a hard-earned story behind every dream that comes true.  A dream is that one thing that is so completely unbelievable, yet we look for it in almost everything that we do.  If we are not watchful, things can go from dreaming to obsessing.  I am not speaking of social issues that make our hearts stop, our eyes burn, and our courage to surge.  I am speaking of the thing that burns a hole in your heart with desire, with the want, with need, and with hope.  No, not the sexual desire.  The “thing” that makes you look to the horizon with wondering.  The one thing that continues to make you feel small  The reminder of the impossibility that our human capacity holds.  The thing that makes you catch your breath because it is so far away that you can only dream of it.  You can only hope for it.  You can only reach for it, but never touch it.

If I could just…If things were different…If time were on my side, I would…

The truth is that we are never prepared to receive the dream as a reality.  To achieve the dream, is to move it from the ‘want’ to the ‘have.’  Yet, a dream is so much more than a ‘have’…even when you get there.  Even if you dare touch it.  Because this dream is never about achieving, but about having something to hope for.  To have the one thing that you can never ever reach.  Because if you reach this dream, then you will search for another one.  Dreams are our enemy; dreams are our friend.

Think about the ones.  What happened to the ones that did not achieve their dreams?  Their most esteemed dreams.  The ones went on to a better life, away from here.  Away from you, away from me.  They will never know what would’ve been, if only they would have…

Life is fair, yet unfair.  Because we cannot get everything that we ever hoped for.  Because if we did, what would be the purpose of hope?  What if you could achieve every single dream that ever crossed your mind, soul, and heart?  Where would you place your hope?

You see?  I believe that dreams are the very thing that keeps you and I going forward.  Because we will never stop chasing our dreams.  Because we don’t know that we will never get there.  Because we don’t know that getting there, achieving the entirety of that dream would also mean the end of us.  Because the ones never intended for us to get there.  It was intended that we would dream up another dream so that we could hand it off to the next one.

What would you chase if not a dream?  Ask a next one.