I have felt like a failure for such a long time that I feel that all motivation has completely left my body. There are two sides of me: the one that wants everything to be okay, and the one that believes that something went really wrong with me.
I started to question this thing that’s been happening to me for about 2 to 3 years. I used to be so strong, almost invincible. I have been through so much that I always felt the need to fight for what I wanted until exhaustion. Fighting and motivation are very important elements of surviving, but I do not think they are helpful in truly living a life. This is because having a defensive stance at all times makes you be naturally dependent on being alert. That same level of heightened alertness soon becomes the only way in which you can live your life.
You start questioning EVERYTHING.
If someone does something nice for you: you question their “true” motivations. If someone says something good about you: you question whether its real, or you simply laugh it off. If they want to do something positive for you: you question what exactly they will want from you in the future.
Soon enough, your self-esteem is pure crap and you end up asking yourself: how did I get here? And that, my friend, is where I find myself today. Some of the questions that I often ask myself:
- How the heck did I end up so on alert?
- When did it start?
- Who did this to me?
- When did I decide to think that I’m not good enough?
- When did I decide to stop believing in myself?
- When did I start believing that everybody hates me?
- When did I start diminishing myself?
Whatever you do, do not fall into the trap. The world has a lot of problems and ugly things, but you must admit that there are a lot of awesome things going on in the world. Even the worse life can find a ray of hope in something small. I even believe that the smaller things can bring so much light and wonder into a life. I can share a very personal thing here: I love the leaves in the Fall. But not just any leaf. I’m talking about the ones that you discover at the very beginning. The tiny yellow leaf that peaks through all the green ones. The leaves that decide to be different at the seemingly wrong time.
Because change happens little by little. The smaller times are the biggest ones.
Cheers to that ‘too-soon-to-be-yellow’ leaf in you. Things will change. I have to believe that for myself.