Faith can be a shitty place

There is a point when you really have to look at yourself and accept that having faith that things will get better may be the thing of fantasy books.  Child’s play.  Not real.  Fairy tales.

Have you ever had that situation when you felt that you were getting somewhere; that things were working out.  That feeling that things were finally coming together?  You sort of get the feeling, but you are very careful with the notion.  You guard your heart, your mind, your soul because very deep inside, somewhere in there you know that disappointment is just about to hit you.  It’s a matter of time.  Sometimes disappointment will stick around, like a thief in the night and wait until all the lights in your house are completely out.  Disappointment will sneak up onto your house, and it will listen in to see if you are smiling.  Any signs of happiness would be FANTASTIC because that is how you crush someone.  You crush them hard when they are at their best.

The fall is so much sweeter.

Here’s where it is a true bitch:  uncontrollable circumstances.  This is what I’m referring to:  at least when someone is evil with you, you can seriously point it out.  You can put your finger on it because it is tangible.  But what happens when you can’t really put your finger on it?  What happens when the evil comes from the very good that you are trying to achieve.  You dig yourself out of the damn pit, you tell yourself that things are going to be better this time.  You tell yourself that you will not allow anything to take you down!  Why?  Because you are a lion, you are a leader, you have what it takes….no, no, no !  You don’t have what it takes, but you are working towards it.  ‘Cause this world can be forgiving of those of us that at least keep on trying.

But no.  That’s not how it works.  Deep in your mind, you know that it is BAD to lose your faith.  What sane Christian would go there?  Isn’t doubt bringing dishonor to God?  What about the cross?  What about Jesus?  He died for you…and you pay back this way?  ‘Cause you are supposed to wait faithfully.  Why?  Because what’s behind the curtain is so much sweeter, so much better, so much stronger, so much…

But you don’t know that.  You wonder about tomorrow, yet…will tomorrow ever happen?  How could you know?  You are directed to wait faithfully.  I mean, isn’t that what the Bible says???

Lamentations 3:25 “The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;”

Hmmm…so, what’s going on here?  If Jesus is your Savior, the Lord of your heart, the One that makes all things new!  If that is so, what is happening to you?  Why aren’t you new?  Why is your faith so shifty?  Are you as dirty as Judas?  Is it true that, perhaps, you will not go to the kingdom?  Because, after all, your faith is simply not there.

We operate under this notion that God will respond to our requests.  Again, the Bible tells us that

Psalm 37:4 “Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

Who are you going to blame?  DO LIKE ME, BLAME THE DEVIL!

It sounds funny, stupid, delirious, yet somehow fun.  Fun because it is a dislocated thought.  Who blames the devil?  Shitty Christians…count me in.

This is not criticism.  I told you this blog can either make you, or upset you.  I feel that part of what keeps me sane and alive is the fact that I can speak my mind this way.  I feel safe.  I feel strong.  And I get to be a shitty Christian that speaks her mind.

BLAME THE DEVIL.  He is already wicked (Yeah…I still think the devil is a he).



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