Dried and shriveled are exact verbs that describe the decomposed state in which I find myself today. There is no music that can make me want to dance, laugh, or see the sky. I finally understand why I have always believed that the stars never existed. I can see why the stars are (‘are’–this is a fact to me) just bright things that we can only perceive from far away. Fool’s gold. Mermaid tales.
Today, as with many other days, I attempted to touch the sun. I saw the rays shining outside of my window. I dared and thought that perhaps today I could. I rolled down the window of my wondering mind, and reached my hand towards the ocean. I could not touch the ocean, I knew this, but if I could only feel the sun on my hands as I tried to reach it–it would mean the world. To touch the sun. Its warmth, the promise of life. But there was nothing out there for me. Because when I reached my hands out, it was cold. Similar to the hug from my father that I imagined, but never came. Like that one night that I dared to imagine this embrace so vividly that I felt it. But he was like the stars. Warm up in the sky. Beautiful and bright. Unreachable. Unreal.
The sun; the sun was gone. The sun was there, but not for me. Hands like these never get to touch the sun. At least not for a long time. Just for a bit, so that I can treasure the memory deep inside my very hidden and secretive heart.
Yet, I reached for the sun. There were shadows, and these shadows were not caused by the small presence of a light source somewhere. The shadows were caused by the same imagination that causes the stars to be seen from down here. Warm up in the sky. Beautiful and bright. Unreachable Unreal.
And I screamed at the sun, and I reached my hands out. I screamed at the sun, because if it is such a powerful force…why couldn’t I also feel it? To feel the warmth, to burn in it. To die in it. But I could not bare that I could not feel the sun. I could not see the rays, I could not feel the breeze. Because it was over, and my spirit was dying. Because I caged my spirit away, in an effort to protect it from the rays that would never come. From the waves that my soul would never see. From the clouds that would laugh at me because they would always be all I could see.
Yet, I tried to dance. In the darkness. I raised my arms high above my head. I moved to the nothingness of the empty stars. Warm up in the sky. Beautiful and bright. Unreachable. Unreal.
And I lived! I lived one more time! At least for another night.
I lived because tomorrow the sun would come. And perhaps tomorrow, I would reach towards the sun instead of the waves. I would go searching for my fool’s gold.
I danced. I felt ridiculous…but I danced.
I did not dry. I was not shriveled.
I was the sun. I was the warmth. I was the ray of light.