What to do when everything leads to a no?

You’ve been there before; the place where you feel that everything is a big N-O for a massive NO.  It’s that point where you feel that nothing else can go wrong.  You feel that you have tried everything, yet nobody cares and nothing works.  Nobody cares that you are trying to change your negative thought process, you’ve tried every piece of positive mind trick on the book.  You have tried to see yourself “in a different light,” and have gone as far as changing the way that you deal with people or do business.  You keep trying to get out of the hole of depression that continues to keep you captive.  Somehow, you keep hoping that things will get better.  Yet you are afraid of smiling and abandoning yourself to a happy moment because you just don’t know when things may get bad again.  Gotta keep your guard up.  Gotta be prepared for the next blow.

And I can tell you how it begins.  I can tell you exactly how you start shifting from the good, to the bad…and finally, the ugly.  You’ve been away from that place for a long time, yet it keeps calling you back.  You don’t want to go back to that crap hole, but it sinks you like still waters.  It’s a slow process that consumes you rapidly.  The fall is slow and painful; the impact ridiculously painful.  You start to wonder why is it that you are not used to this shit.  Yes, I know how you continue to return to that drowning godforsaken place because I’ve been there so many times.  In fact, I visit this personal Hades quite often.  I’ll tell you how.

One day you feel like you’ve reached a good point in your life.  You feel good.  You can get up in the morning without that nasty headache or the thoughts of dread.  You’ve listened to so much Tony Robbins style stuff that you feel like you can take the world down right now if you had to.  You feel smart, empowered, like nothing can stop you from reaching the place that you’ve seen in that big dream of yours.  Oh yeah, you got a dream and NOBODY is going to stop you from getting there.  You start building on good things until one day ‘reality’ hits you right smack in the face.  SUCKS!

Let me give you a metaphor to explain this process.  Picture a balloon full of water.  The balloon is the positive force that surrounds and contains the negativity:  this would be all the positive Tony Robbins stuff we just talked about.  The water inside the balloon represents all the negativity that you are working to get rid of.  You want it gone NOW, so what do you do?  You contain it with this balloon of good things.  The problem is that life keeps throwing these balloons full of negative water at you.  You manage to move out of the way and keep pressing on with your life.  Then one day, just when you’ve reached all the goodness that the planet can offer you…the balloon hits you precisely on your face.  You get so distracted that the balloon reaches your face, explodes at speed (so it hurts pretty bad), and all the nastiness of that negative water marinades your entire face, your hair.  Your eyes burn from it, gets in your nose so you feel like you are literally drowning.  It gets messier than that.  Your clothes have also received a splash of that water.  Just when you thought that this was bad enough, that flippin’ water drips down your shirt, your pants, your shoes…ALL OF YOU!  It is a wicked mess, and you want life to give up on you.  You want life to make that choice because you are too freakin’ tired to deal with it.

What to do?

Full disclaimer:  I’m speaking form a very broken heart.  This is written truly in the first person.  I have lost so much in my spiritual and emotional life that I just don’t know how I’m getting the energy to write this.  However, I will tell you that I get put back together as much as I break down.

But I am going to get up right now.  SCREW the screw-up.  I’ve burned so many bridges that I may have to drown at one point.  But I am going to do it fighting.  Perhaps this is why I will drown, they say that you shouldn’t fight when you are sinking.  I say different.  Give this life a fight.  Use this bullshit to give you courage.  Thrive and take this life by the wicked nuts.  Use this negativity to get up and ROAR.  I sound like a crazy person, but trust me, I am not.  I am angry at the way things have turned out.  I am tired, but I am not broken.  I am broken, but I am not useless.  I am useless, but I am alive.

I am alive.  I am alive.  I am alive…Fight with me.

To answer the title question:  “What to do when everything leads to a no?”

You say yes.  Screw no.  It doesn’t count.  What do you say?  Say yes……………..and fight right back.




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