I often describe my bouts of depression as the waves of the sea; and I sense that many out there in the mental health field may agree with me. One day, you are up. The next day, you are completely down. It doesn’t matter how much people that love you try to encourage you: if you are down. That is it. You are down and nobody can get you out of that dreaded funk. Nevertheless, I want to speak about something that happens to depressed people that seems to take the cake. The ups.
When a depressed individual faces the up, and I speak from a very personal standpoint–I am by no means in the medical field–the up is rather amazing. Suddenly, all of the pain is lifted and you rise above the waves and see the sunshine. The feeling is better than when I used to not have depression. For the record, I have never been diagnosed with depression. Yet, you can probably tell that I don’t need to walk into a doctor’s office and get this thing certified. Suicidal thoughts have plagued me from a very young age. I just never took action because of a couple of strange things that keep me walking on earth:
- I still believe in miracles
- I still believe the world is a beautiful place (even with all of the trash that exists in it)
- I still believe that God can turn my situations around
- I like to live with hope that things will change
- I believe that when I have a breakthrough (the up) I experience it from a very positive place.
- I love to look back and say “man, I cannot believe how depressed I was then. Look at me now!”
- I believe that my pain is due to a season of transformation and change; therefore, I must experience the pain to experience the ‘up.’
I think I know what you are thinking. Yes, I am a “professional worrier” that lacks faith in the areas where I usually need it the most (remember, sarcastic Christian here!). Anyway, I feel that I can say these things freely because I know who I am. Or better yet, I have come to know myself a bit better than yesterday. I also am not afraid to let out whatever is bothering me. I am comfortable being this person–although many, MANY, MANY times I cannot stand myself!
Also, I am not a hypocrite. I am not the type of person that will tell you that God will take care of all of your troubles; therefore, you must show trust and be happy because He has this! Absolutely NO. I am the type to tell you that, while I believe that God is behind the scenes in all of my troubles, I believe that the transformation comes with a TRUCKLOAD of pain. I believe that without pain, you cannot learn what exactly is being perfected in you. Here’s the kicker: I would not be able to commit suicide because I still believe that, even when I say ‘what’s the point,’ I know that God has a point. I believe that my very statements of pointlessness are the reason that God finds me relevant.
I think He would say the same about you. So, perhaps this post does not reflect all of the beauty that a Christian post should present. Perhaps this isn’t your common religious essay where by the end of it, you feel empowered. The point is to give you something that is real in me. I am leaving all pretensions and showing you the real me. I truly hope that you live a life that looks into the future with the intensity of a ‘yes’ and the possibility of an ‘up.’ I would say that I still believe you should give life a big YES.