The pain; like the waves of the sea

I have been very resilient for most of my life.  There have been a lot of times when I simply didn’t feel powerful at all; yet there was something that always allowed me to bounce back.  Today is not one of those days.  There is one person in my life that can cut through the walls of emotional protection that I have built; that is my husband.  His opinion means a lot to me; and sometimes, a bit too much.

As you may know from reading this blog, I have been unemployed for some time.  There was a time in my life when I truly felt that I was thriving so fast and furiously that I thought I’d surely make it to the top.  The things started to change.  I met people that simply had no moral value to their character.  I had to make choices to either be part of it, be the ‘better person’ by continuously making better personal choice–yet being impacted directly/indirectly by their bad behaviors, or walk away from it all.  I chose the last option. I quit.  With quitting came a bunch of financial and emotional mess.  I can say that today I am emotionally in a better place.  Financially, I would say that we simply manage as much as we can.  My student loans are on deferment, when in the past I used to pay as I went to school.  It has been close to 3 months since I’ve been unemployed.

I have found it truly hard to find another job.  Yes, I have been offered opportunities.  The problem is that coming from a negative background in the type of work that I do, it has been hard for me to move into any of these opportunities.  The first reason is that many of these smaller companies have no clear goals or vision to what they do.  In the world of contracting, you can see from a mile away when I company may not be able to make it.  I am not intending to build a resume full of ‘mini opportunities.’  The larger companies that I have targeted have called me…I didn’t make their cut.  I have replayed in my head what I have done wrong.  Nevertheless, I try to go back to my faith and keep telling myself “God didn’t want you there.”  The problem is that I don’t know how long that’s going to help me.  Its almost like giving myself a pat on the back…but how long is this going to work?

Today, my husband came home in a horrible mood.  Speaking badly about people in our home, down playing when people do nice things for him…just horrible.  I could not stand it so I stood my ground and stated that I would not put up with this foul treatment.  He laughed at me.  I know that I sound bitchy right now, but in my emotional situation and with all of this going on in my life, I felt betrayal.  I felt that he cannot be happy with anything.  Later on, he attempted to touch me but I just couldn’t bare it.  I told him that if he wanted to laugh at me, and it pleased and made him feel good, to go ahead.  I said that I am already a joke, he is just another one getting with the program.

So, for years I have felt that my husband saw me as another paycheck.  I have never felt that he valued me as a wife, mother, a woman.  I have always felt that he only saw my value as long as I brought money home.  Today, I have nothing for him.  I have nothing but requests and debt.  It is very demoralizing to feel this way.  I feel that I should die, but I am too chicken to go through with it.  Plus, I know that people that commit suicide are selfish and end up burning in hell.  I am not being sarcastic, just saying how I feel.  No, I’m not going to go kill myself.  That’s ridiculous, and it would negatively affect my children.

I have prayed that God will provide the way so that others won’t suffer, and I will stop occupying space on earth that I don’t deserve.

I am drowning.

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