The first confusing rant

I started this blog to vent; although I have a feeling that many of you out there have been doing it forever.  This discovery means that I am catching up to the bandwagon pretty late in the game.  We are at the end of 2016, and I am just discovering the true reasons for me to have a blog.  I used to make fun of people that had these side blogs, although not necessarily to judge every one that actually had blogs.  I had a specific target population that I internally bullied.  Although sometimes the sarcasm overflowed from my lips and body language.  The little-not-so-little sarcastic person inside of me told me that ‘encouraging’ blogs with little Christian biblical quotes, and pictures of children doing crafts were specifically designed for stay-at-home moms that wanted to prove their worth to the world.  It seemed to me like they didn’t have a credible platform so the blog provided a way for them to exist in the world.  Now, now, now…I am a stay-at-home mom right now.  I have not always been, but I am right now.  The story on how I end up here will be told in pieces, but want to clear some things.

I have had blogs before and for many different reasons.  The reasons were never honest; therefore, nothing productive came out of these blogs.  One of the reasons was that I thought a blog would make me money.  I had seen all of these folks that made money by telling others how to do stuff.  You know like:  how to decorate your house, DIY projects–which are all the hotness today.  Another reason was to teach folks how to recycle old furniture–this one is all the rage right now.  Another reason that motivated me to have a blog before was that I wanted to setup a Christian blog to build my resume (yeah, I know…sounds ridiculous).  I thought that a Christian blog would attract people—’cause I need attention.  This Christian idea thingy came because I joined a Christian female organization and felt that I HAD TO have a blog.  I thought that all Christian smart women that had something to say write well, and therefore, have blogs.  You are probably wondering what level of stupid I actually am.  Sounds self-deprecating but its true; I truly thought up all of these things.  So yes, I am a Christian, but I have a dark side to me that makes me look like the anti-religion person.  Although I do not want to give the impression that I believe in that ‘coexist’ fake thought process.  You cannot tell me that you honestly believe in it.  It’s an ideal, not reality.  Will talk more about that (another promise) later.

My intention is to literally put myself out there.  I don’t care of you judge me unfairly, if you think that I am not showing the true love of Christ, that you doubt as to whether or not I am a true Christian, or if you feel that I am one selfish witch.  Ugh…I am selfish but so are you.  I am certainly not a good Christian, and the intention of this blog is to blurt out the things that I do not want bottled up in my heart.  You can stay; you can leave.  Choices, choices.

So back to the blogging thing.  I have been the sarcastic working woman that snickered at the SAM’s out there.  By the way, a SAM is a stay-at-home mom (does this count as knowing slang?  Maybe mommy-slang?)  Anyway, I laughed at these women and thought that I had nothing in common with them.  I sort of still feel the same way.  Would love to say that women should support each other regardless of their backgrounds, what they do, and their circumstances.  Would love to give you all this inclusive garbage that has been sold to you, but in all consciousness, I cannot.  You and I know that we are different on thoughts, concerns, even the way that we approach a crisis.  So, no.  I am not going to deny the fact that we do see each other differently.  Truly, my intent is not to come across as an insensitive female douche bag that cannot connect with other women or humans!  I just feel that it is such a worn out, out of fashion, completely irrelevant subject.  I think that being honest with ourselves and growing in authenticity is the way to go.  If we can comfortably be honest with each other, we will certainly reach a better place.  Being honest with each other is in the Bible.  I think I read it somewhere in there…let me Google it.  Ah, here it is:

Matthew 5:8 “Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God.” 

See that?  Told you that its in the Bible.  Anyway, I want to use this blog to rant about many things.  The first one that I remembered was the subject of working women vs. SAMs.  It has caused so many arguments at the church.  Working women vs. SAMs.  Such a catty subject, yet it runs rampant in churches, Bible studies, women’s groups, and so forth.  Don’t get me started on men that dare include themselves in the argument.  Dude, this is none of your business.  Put the Bible down.  This is the 21st century and things have changed.  Women don’t just work outside the house because of financial needs.  They also work because they want a career.  They can do that.  Oh, and they have husbands that support this notion.  Oh, and their children do not grow up emotionally scarred, and insensitive.  Back on subject!

Anyway, I ended up staying at home because things in my last job did not work out.  I found myself in a rather toxic work environment, and realized that my well-being was more important than being able to buy useless crap at the store with my hard-earned money.  I am an exceedingly honest person; you’d be amazed at the amount of people that absolutely hate that.  I am also pretty assertive; this trait is not welcomed by many.  There’s a huge difference between assertiveness and being disrespectful.  When I provide feedback, I do it by presenting factual information while respecting differing views.  The current unemployment situation is giving me perspective in life.  I am now unemployed and learning a lot about my own children.  This is where my perspective is somehow being modified.  I have been operating in a vacuum.  Where have I been?  I have also seen the ugliness in how much my family spends money and time on needless stuff.  This time at home has given me an opportunity to truly look at myself.  I used to be proud of who I was, or at least I fooled myself long enough.  I thought I was important and was building a prestigious, amazing career from which I would end up retiring one day.  I saw it all; I knew it all.  Now, I feel that this is a huge curve-ball that God has thrown at me.  Yeah, ’cause its always God’s fault.  How did I get so depressed?  Unemployed?  Alone?  Those are questions that I have for myself.  How did I get so unstable?  For the first time in years, I get to look in the mirror.  The lady that looks back at me is not so beautiful or smart.  There is an emptiness in her eyes; a sadness and anger.

Walk with me, if you care.  Move on, if you want.  I promise you that it’ll be interesting, but it will not be pretty.  I know that I have left a lot of loopholes in this first part of the story; just wanted to give you an idea of what I will be putting out there.  I guarantee you that I am full of love, but somehow forgot to love myself.  I am rather disappointed about how disjointed I am.  My biggest question to God, over the past few months has been:  Why did you make me?  I am hoping to find out the truth.

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