How I think I started ending up here

I attribute my frustrations to my unwillingness to be true to myself.  It is as if somehow the needs that I see around me always overpower what I want to do.  This sounds like a pretty selfish statement.  Isn’t a Christian supposed to reflect on the Lord’s purpose for their life?  As I stated in my previous post, I truly want to know why God willed my existence.  The problem is that I need to get to know the person that He made.  Who is she?  What are her biggest worries?  Wants?  Dreams?  Is she allowed to dream?  I mean, she’s a wife and mother now so…aren’t dreams preserved for her children?  Her times of dreaming have passed, correct?

I am reminded of a verse regarding dreams and hopes that are put inside each person.

Proverbs 19:21 “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails”

This is a very short Biblical verse that speaks about personal dreams and hopes; which is what I have stated that I seek to know.  On the other hand, the rest of the verse speaks of the Lord’s purpose.  Therefore, God’s wants for my life are higher and more meaningful than what I want for myself.  See, what I want doesn’t matter because God already has something in mind.  If you believe in the existence of God, scientifically speaking, then you would be smart enough to focus on what He wants for you.  He, after all, made the world right?  Look around you; its a masterpiece.

To those that do not believe in God at all, and I want to speak to you objectively.  Your disbelief of God hopefully comes from your research and not from a personal-moral standpoint.  Remember that your morals are truly shaped by your upbringing.  My upbringing was not perfect, and I have had to reshape a lot of my thoughts with time because they were simply misaligned with the person that I am today.  Anyway, hopefully you disagree due to an intelligently made decision and not because your will.  You cannot trust your will.  Today, you may (will) want pizza.  Tomorrow, you may (will not) not want pizza.  Get it?  I’m not trying to treat you like an idiot, you may think I am an idiot for all I know.  Just want to ensure that you exercise objectiveness when reading these.  If you do read my blog, and do not believe in God, just consider that some of us do and take the information neutrally.  For instance, if you find these posts interesting in any way, just use your imagination to understand me.  It would look something like this:  “Okay, so If I believed in God and that He created the world, then it would make sense to trust in what He made me to be and find out from Him what that is.”  Something like that!

Back on subject.  So, for years I have been answering my life questions by answering those with the most likely answer.  If we needed another car and couldn’t pay for it, I would go get a job doing something that I knew would not only pay, but would get me hired, to respond to the need in my house.  If I was in a job category that I disliked, I would switch to a similar position…just somewhere else.  Hmm…you get the picture?  When you live your life like this, you are sure to create a disruption on what God designed you to be.  I am just glad that opened my eyes before turning 40.  Hey, that’s not that old.  However, I want you to know that I am not going to feed you spiritual nonsense without proper research and common sense information.  My story is not going to be like yours.  I am a go getter, extremely competitive female within my right.  Meaning that I never ran over other people, men or women.  The reason that I have been competitive without running others over is because I am a firm believer in the saying “what comes around, goes around.”  So no, I do not believe in running people over to achieve my own success.

I started to notice that there was a disparity between the things that I cared for the most and enjoyed doing; and the things that I was actually doing in my work life.  I noticed that while I treasured having as much time with my sons and family, my jobs required me to place priority on the organizational mission.  This got me thinking that perhaps the organizational moral vision did not align with mine.  This has been like that for years; have you thought of this?

I also enjoy working with positive, happy people that do not take themselves so seriously.  I treasure informal settings where, although I can dress up professional, I get to be rather informal in the delivery of my message.  I also enjoy an environment where we can all share ideas openly, speak out about issues/concerns without a filter, and be able to do these things in an open platform.  I never found this place in my jobs.

So, where do I belong?  I always felt like a freak in my jobs.  I wanted to be free, funny, honest, and have a positive impact on the organizational climates of the jobs that I had.  However, these organizations were in complete opposition to how I saw myself.  Add to this the fact that my BS level of tolerance has gone down dramatically, by increasing my swiftness to tell my bosses exactly what I think—respectfully—while still saying what I mean.  These aspects truly added to my decision of taking the risk to get out of that work environment to explore alternatives.

Today, I have no clue where I am going.  I have thought about starting my own consulting business where I teach brutal honesty in order to improve organizations and leaders.  However, who would buy this product?  Who would want this?  What would they want to see?  Do I have a market?

Not sure…



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