Can’t see the sun

What is this sadness that takes me over?  I start thinking that I am doing much better and…boom, it hits me without suspicion.  I may have had a great day, and it is just there.  There are days when I feel miraculously happy, while there are other days when everything goes straight to darkness.  I don’t have feelings of hurting myself or anything that would result in self-inflicted pain.  Those types of thoughts do not afflict me, but there is this sense of darkness that comes and goes.  I call it “I can’t see the sun.”  Here’s a bit of background on how I ended up here.

When I separated from the Armed Forces, I felt it my duty to go find a job and become successful.  I was married and was having a baby with my husband.  We had been married for less than a year when we found out that we had gotten immediately pregnant.  We truly did not enjoy young married life.  We simply grew.  I remember that I could no longer stay in the military because I couldn’t fathom raising a child with dual military parents.  I separated from the military when I was exactly 8 months pregnant.  Nobody would call me.  I went to job fairs like crazy and learned to interview on the spot.  However, I felt that I was certainly doing a poor job.  None of those recruiters cared to call me.  I ended up getting a job as a government civilian, yet the job paid very little.  In addition, I was not adjusting well to life outside of the order of the military.  I felt that my coworkers were too uncaring about the mission of the organization that we all supported.  They would roll out a television set and play soap operas for 3 hours straight.  I would be in my work cubicle trying to ignore it all.  They mocked me for it.  This was the first time that I truly felt disappointment.

After having my baby, I decided to just leave the federal civilian career path.  I embarked in applying for jobs everywhere.  I chose a career field that I thought matched what I had done in the military.  At that point in my life, I never cared for being a “match” or for looking for my “calling.”  I just wanted a paycheck.  I wish someone would had spoken to me about the importance of enjoying work.  I was never taught that concept.  I grew up in a family that worked for a living.  Meaning…if you got a paycheck, you can have a life.

For years, I held on to this concept.  I jumped from one job to the next, never finding satisfaction.  Always feeling empty, miserable, trapped, and bitter.  Slowly, I began to lock away these feelings.  I didn’t know how bad things would get for me internally.  I have been an emotional and spiritual mess for years.  I simply feel like I do not belong anywhere.  Now, I have 15 years of experience in a field that I absolutely hate.  And it is not hate for the job itself, but more so for the culture.  It doesn’t matter what organization you work for, if it is the same job, it tends to prove misery.  People are mean, bitter, poor leaders, and lie to themselves.

I pursued higher education in an effort to challenge myself intellectually on something else.  If I wanted to do something else, I had to find a way to get out.  I thought that my advanced education would help me do just that.  Well…surprise, surprise…nobody cares about my higher education.  Employers are looking for “certifications” that can be achieved by younger generations.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not that old.  I am not even 40 yet.  Nevertheless, I feel that I have personally gotten so busy in life that studying for a certification of any sort seems completely and utterly uninteresting.

When I began the PhD studies…don’t be fooled…I am not a smart person at all.  As a matter of fact, I feel that my pursuit of higher education only proves my intellectual inability.  It means that I have a couple of problems that I can list:

  • I have poor self-esteem about my self-worth, therefore, I feel that by pursuing higher education I prove that I am smart.
  • I have an unfulfilled life, therefore, fill my time with something that makes me feel relevant.
  • I don’t have a job.
  • I have a job, but hate it.
  • I do not believe in myself, therefore, the pieces of paper (degrees) help me cope with my reality.

My last job was certainly the place where I exploded…the implosion had taken place a few months prior to be taking the new job.  The last job served as the cataclysm to what was coming.  The last drop.  I was completely and utterly unhappy.  Now, a month after my departure from said job, and sitting in the misery of unemployment I wonder.  The misery does not come from leaving that particular job, but from not having a paycheck.  However, isn’t it sad that money was the only reason that kept me in that specific job (and some of the previous ones).  If I am truly honest with myself, I cannot state that I have enjoyed any of my jobs.  I coped and read a lot about how to be happy in an unhappy situation.  Nevertheless, faking it and not being real with myself was truly my undoing.  Now, I have time to really think about the things that went wrong.  Many times I have been completely jealous of the people that I have left behind in all these previous jobs.  Think about it, as miserable as they made me feel, they are still employed, still getting promoted, still working.  Look at me:  unemployed and lost.

Today, I feel completely lost.  I feel that I am truly not good at anything.  I feel that I wasted 15 years on jobs that I did not care so much for, therefore, I learned nothing.  When ones attention is not on the things that would count, unlearning takes place.  We operate like robots, we obey marching orders and we do.  We do not function independently, we are not creative, we do not exist.  I realized the most important factor of my professional existence and it is that:  I did not exist.  I changed nothing, I improved nothing, I contributed to zero, and I was a passerby.

This, however, is not such a bad thing.  It only means that I developed a super power that many would envy:  I am invisible.

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What is joy?

What is joy?  I have asked myself this question many times.  The inquiry comes accompanied by an array of other questions, such as:

  • What does joy feel like?
  • What is the difference between joy and happiness?
  • Can you pinpoint the exact moment when joy begins and ends?
  • Who is prone to fill joy?  Who is prone to not feel joy?
  • Is it a feeling or a mood?
  • Is joy contagious?  Or is it an independent feeling/mood?
  • Are you responsible for finding it?
  • What are the things that will most likely kill joy?
  • Can I scientifically prove the existence of joy?  Can I test it in a laboratory setting?
  • Is there a single definition?
  • Will two people define joy the same way?
  • Is joy a coveted feeling?  Do people care about joy?
  • What does the Bible say about joy?  How does the Bible define joy?
  • What does the world (non-Biblical) say about joy?
  • Do people really care to have it?
  • What happens when joy is modeled?
  • What does joy look like?
  • Can a person cause another person to have joy?
  • Is there a Biblical joy versus a worldly joy?
  • Is joy an exclusively Biblical term?
  • What is the opposite of joy?
  • What happens to a person that has no joy, yet has happiness.

I am interested in joy, because I do not understand it.  I don’t know if I have ever felt it, or if I have confused it with happiness.  I don’t know if joy and happiness are the same thing.  I don’t know if joy is the result of something else, or if it is a derivative of happiness (or vice versa).  I am torn between disproving its physical existence and proving its existence.

How I think I started ending up here

I attribute my frustrations to my unwillingness to be true to myself.  It is as if somehow the needs that I see around me always overpower what I want to do.  This sounds like a pretty selfish statement.  Isn’t a Christian supposed to reflect on the Lord’s purpose for their life?  As I stated in my previous post, I truly want to know why God willed my existence.  The problem is that I need to get to know the person that He made.  Who is she?  What are her biggest worries?  Wants?  Dreams?  Is she allowed to dream?  I mean, she’s a wife and mother now so…aren’t dreams preserved for her children?  Her times of dreaming have passed, correct?

I am reminded of a verse regarding dreams and hopes that are put inside each person.

Proverbs 19:21 “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails”

This is a very short Biblical verse that speaks about personal dreams and hopes; which is what I have stated that I seek to know.  On the other hand, the rest of the verse speaks of the Lord’s purpose.  Therefore, God’s wants for my life are higher and more meaningful than what I want for myself.  See, what I want doesn’t matter because God already has something in mind.  If you believe in the existence of God, scientifically speaking, then you would be smart enough to focus on what He wants for you.  He, after all, made the world right?  Look around you; its a masterpiece.

To those that do not believe in God at all, and I want to speak to you objectively.  Your disbelief of God hopefully comes from your research and not from a personal-moral standpoint.  Remember that your morals are truly shaped by your upbringing.  My upbringing was not perfect, and I have had to reshape a lot of my thoughts with time because they were simply misaligned with the person that I am today.  Anyway, hopefully you disagree due to an intelligently made decision and not because your will.  You cannot trust your will.  Today, you may (will) want pizza.  Tomorrow, you may (will not) not want pizza.  Get it?  I’m not trying to treat you like an idiot, you may think I am an idiot for all I know.  Just want to ensure that you exercise objectiveness when reading these.  If you do read my blog, and do not believe in God, just consider that some of us do and take the information neutrally.  For instance, if you find these posts interesting in any way, just use your imagination to understand me.  It would look something like this:  “Okay, so If I believed in God and that He created the world, then it would make sense to trust in what He made me to be and find out from Him what that is.”  Something like that!

Back on subject.  So, for years I have been answering my life questions by answering those with the most likely answer.  If we needed another car and couldn’t pay for it, I would go get a job doing something that I knew would not only pay, but would get me hired, to respond to the need in my house.  If I was in a job category that I disliked, I would switch to a similar position…just somewhere else.  Hmm…you get the picture?  When you live your life like this, you are sure to create a disruption on what God designed you to be.  I am just glad that opened my eyes before turning 40.  Hey, that’s not that old.  However, I want you to know that I am not going to feed you spiritual nonsense without proper research and common sense information.  My story is not going to be like yours.  I am a go getter, extremely competitive female within my right.  Meaning that I never ran over other people, men or women.  The reason that I have been competitive without running others over is because I am a firm believer in the saying “what comes around, goes around.”  So no, I do not believe in running people over to achieve my own success.

I started to notice that there was a disparity between the things that I cared for the most and enjoyed doing; and the things that I was actually doing in my work life.  I noticed that while I treasured having as much time with my sons and family, my jobs required me to place priority on the organizational mission.  This got me thinking that perhaps the organizational moral vision did not align with mine.  This has been like that for years; have you thought of this?

I also enjoy working with positive, happy people that do not take themselves so seriously.  I treasure informal settings where, although I can dress up professional, I get to be rather informal in the delivery of my message.  I also enjoy an environment where we can all share ideas openly, speak out about issues/concerns without a filter, and be able to do these things in an open platform.  I never found this place in my jobs.

So, where do I belong?  I always felt like a freak in my jobs.  I wanted to be free, funny, honest, and have a positive impact on the organizational climates of the jobs that I had.  However, these organizations were in complete opposition to how I saw myself.  Add to this the fact that my BS level of tolerance has gone down dramatically, by increasing my swiftness to tell my bosses exactly what I think—respectfully—while still saying what I mean.  These aspects truly added to my decision of taking the risk to get out of that work environment to explore alternatives.

Today, I have no clue where I am going.  I have thought about starting my own consulting business where I teach brutal honesty in order to improve organizations and leaders.  However, who would buy this product?  Who would want this?  What would they want to see?  Do I have a market?

Not sure…

 

The first confusing rant

I started this blog to vent; although I have a feeling that many of you out there have been doing it forever.  This discovery means that I am catching up to the bandwagon pretty late in the game.  We are at the end of 2016, and I am just discovering the true reasons for me to have a blog.  I used to make fun of people that had these side blogs, although not necessarily to judge every one that actually had blogs.  I had a specific target population that I internally bullied.  Although sometimes the sarcasm overflowed from my lips and body language.  The little-not-so-little sarcastic person inside of me told me that ‘encouraging’ blogs with little Christian biblical quotes, and pictures of children doing crafts were specifically designed for stay-at-home moms that wanted to prove their worth to the world.  It seemed to me like they didn’t have a credible platform so the blog provided a way for them to exist in the world.  Now, now, now…I am a stay-at-home mom right now.  I have not always been, but I am right now.  The story on how I end up here will be told in pieces, but want to clear some things.

I have had blogs before and for many different reasons.  The reasons were never honest; therefore, nothing productive came out of these blogs.  One of the reasons was that I thought a blog would make me money.  I had seen all of these folks that made money by telling others how to do stuff.  You know like:  how to decorate your house, DIY projects–which are all the hotness today.  Another reason was to teach folks how to recycle old furniture–this one is all the rage right now.  Another reason that motivated me to have a blog before was that I wanted to setup a Christian blog to build my resume (yeah, I know…sounds ridiculous).  I thought that a Christian blog would attract people—’cause I need attention.  This Christian idea thingy came because I joined a Christian female organization and felt that I HAD TO have a blog.  I thought that all Christian smart women that had something to say write well, and therefore, have blogs.  You are probably wondering what level of stupid I actually am.  Sounds self-deprecating but its true; I truly thought up all of these things.  So yes, I am a Christian, but I have a dark side to me that makes me look like the anti-religion person.  Although I do not want to give the impression that I believe in that ‘coexist’ fake thought process.  You cannot tell me that you honestly believe in it.  It’s an ideal, not reality.  Will talk more about that (another promise) later.

My intention is to literally put myself out there.  I don’t care of you judge me unfairly, if you think that I am not showing the true love of Christ, that you doubt as to whether or not I am a true Christian, or if you feel that I am one selfish witch.  Ugh…I am selfish but so are you.  I am certainly not a good Christian, and the intention of this blog is to blurt out the things that I do not want bottled up in my heart.  You can stay; you can leave.  Choices, choices.

So back to the blogging thing.  I have been the sarcastic working woman that snickered at the SAM’s out there.  By the way, a SAM is a stay-at-home mom (does this count as knowing slang?  Maybe mommy-slang?)  Anyway, I laughed at these women and thought that I had nothing in common with them.  I sort of still feel the same way.  Would love to say that women should support each other regardless of their backgrounds, what they do, and their circumstances.  Would love to give you all this inclusive garbage that has been sold to you, but in all consciousness, I cannot.  You and I know that we are different on thoughts, concerns, even the way that we approach a crisis.  So, no.  I am not going to deny the fact that we do see each other differently.  Truly, my intent is not to come across as an insensitive female douche bag that cannot connect with other women or humans!  I just feel that it is such a worn out, out of fashion, completely irrelevant subject.  I think that being honest with ourselves and growing in authenticity is the way to go.  If we can comfortably be honest with each other, we will certainly reach a better place.  Being honest with each other is in the Bible.  I think I read it somewhere in there…let me Google it.  Ah, here it is:

Matthew 5:8 “Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God.” 

See that?  Told you that its in the Bible.  Anyway, I want to use this blog to rant about many things.  The first one that I remembered was the subject of working women vs. SAMs.  It has caused so many arguments at the church.  Working women vs. SAMs.  Such a catty subject, yet it runs rampant in churches, Bible studies, women’s groups, and so forth.  Don’t get me started on men that dare include themselves in the argument.  Dude, this is none of your business.  Put the Bible down.  This is the 21st century and things have changed.  Women don’t just work outside the house because of financial needs.  They also work because they want a career.  They can do that.  Oh, and they have husbands that support this notion.  Oh, and their children do not grow up emotionally scarred, and insensitive.  Back on subject!

Anyway, I ended up staying at home because things in my last job did not work out.  I found myself in a rather toxic work environment, and realized that my well-being was more important than being able to buy useless crap at the store with my hard-earned money.  I am an exceedingly honest person; you’d be amazed at the amount of people that absolutely hate that.  I am also pretty assertive; this trait is not welcomed by many.  There’s a huge difference between assertiveness and being disrespectful.  When I provide feedback, I do it by presenting factual information while respecting differing views.  The current unemployment situation is giving me perspective in life.  I am now unemployed and learning a lot about my own children.  This is where my perspective is somehow being modified.  I have been operating in a vacuum.  Where have I been?  I have also seen the ugliness in how much my family spends money and time on needless stuff.  This time at home has given me an opportunity to truly look at myself.  I used to be proud of who I was, or at least I fooled myself long enough.  I thought I was important and was building a prestigious, amazing career from which I would end up retiring one day.  I saw it all; I knew it all.  Now, I feel that this is a huge curve-ball that God has thrown at me.  Yeah, ’cause its always God’s fault.  How did I get so depressed?  Unemployed?  Alone?  Those are questions that I have for myself.  How did I get so unstable?  For the first time in years, I get to look in the mirror.  The lady that looks back at me is not so beautiful or smart.  There is an emptiness in her eyes; a sadness and anger.

Walk with me, if you care.  Move on, if you want.  I promise you that it’ll be interesting, but it will not be pretty.  I know that I have left a lot of loopholes in this first part of the story; just wanted to give you an idea of what I will be putting out there.  I guarantee you that I am full of love, but somehow forgot to love myself.  I am rather disappointed about how disjointed I am.  My biggest question to God, over the past few months has been:  Why did you make me?  I am hoping to find out the truth.